I'm going down swinging...

Man, what a rocky couple of days. I'm sure I've alluded to it a few times, but I work for a school system. The last few weeks is always the worst. Kids have spring fever, I have spring fever, kids are ready to be done with school, adults are ready for kids to be done with school and to top it all off all of the adults in the building are sick and tired of each other as well. It's like a snowball rolling downhill of people becoming progressively grumpier and grumpier.

There was one day where I was pissed and had enough. Then yesterday I was so mad I really thought my head was going to spin around like the girl in The Exorcist and I was going to spew split pea soup everywhere. I haven't been that mad in a LONG time.

There have been some valuable lessons this week though.

I went to the gym on Tuesday. I worked out for 40 minutes. I felt SO much better. I know that even though I was dragging my feet to get there I still ended up leaving there feeling like a different person. The frustrations of the day melted away as the sweat dripped down my back.

I HAVE to remind myself of that feeling.

So Monday and Wednesday I opted for no gym. Today I have my bag packed and will be heading over when I leave work.

Eating has been okay but not perfect by anymeans. There's an effort there and for me, right now, that's what counts.

One of the other big lessons for the week has been about recognizing my emotions when I binge. Monday night I had dinner and was still kind of hungry. I tried to allow my stomach to catch up with my brain since I tend to scarf down food and not really enjoy it or give my body time to recognize whether or not I'm full. One of my friends came over and I gave him the other cheeseburger (grilled at home with a whole wheat sandwich thin ;) ) that I had contemplated eating. We sat around and played some cards and when he left I decided to delve into part of what I had packed for lunch the next day.

Who the hell does that?!?!?!!

I consciously recognized what I was doing yet I didn't have the power to stop myself. BUT... I guess the breakthrough here is that I RECOGNIZED the emotion that I was feeling and what I was "stuffing down."

Sounds kind of weird considering the fact that I "chose" to do it anyway, but sometimes recognition, no matter what the outcome is the BIGGEST milestone one can have. Kind of like AA - The first step is being willing to admit that you have a problem.

Now one of the other things I'm dealing with this week is how to step out of my comfort zone. I realize that as I've gained a little more weight lately I have become more self conscious than I was 10 lbs ago. (Yes, that's right ladies and gents.... the scale gave me a whopping 186.4 the other morning when I stepped on it. A 10 lb gain from last July. SERIOUSLY, self?!?!?! I digress...) Granted, I'm not in a depression like I was when I started this journey and I have done a really fabulous job of branching out and making lots of new friends, but I just don't FEEL great. I look in the mirror and it's "Ohhhh my tummy is getting bigger" or whatever else that is bothering me and I pick myself apart. This in turn causes me to back away from some things.

One of the reasons I joined my gym was because not only is the facility AMAZING (which it is although I have come to LOATHE the company since they fucked me over big time) but they offer lots of classes. I thought that would keep my motivation going if I was tired of just doing cardio/weights/personal training. The truth is it probably would. I will be the first to admit... I am chicken shit when it comes to going to these classes by myself. I am CLUMSY (don't even get me started on what happened as I was attempting to leave my house this morning) and afraid I will either face plant or do something completely WRONG and have the instructor call me out on it. Granted, this would probably never happen, but in my head I have built it up into somehow I will manage to single myself out and I will then pee my pants. Simliar to Mrs. Fatass's story about going to noisy Zumba. (Although she didn't lose any bodily funtions THIS time.) She and Drazil have both made posts recently about how they stepped out of their comfort zone and they didn't die. They didn't even break out into hives (which thankfully does not happen to me to begin with).

Unfortunately the classes at the gym I go to don't start until 4:30 on some days (which is doable) or 5:30 on others. I am at the gym by 3:45. There are few days when I work out for an hour and a half. Even then, that's a long time to work out and hang around to do a 45 minute class. I have a feeling if I go home and sit down I won't make it back out to the gym again and I'm not a fan of workout DVDs. So what do I do?

Like I put in my post earlier this week - this lifestyle change is about COMMITMENT. Whether it's waking up at 4:30 to be at the gym in time to work out BEFORE work (which I still haven't done cause that's not my cup of tea) or making time after you work a full time job and a part time job or squeezing it inbetween. If you want it you have to go after it and you have to MAKE time for it in your schedule. It's not going to fit itself in.

My roommate goes to a different gym down the road. They offer a free 3 day trial pass that I am going to use next week to take some classes with her. I feel like if I at least go to a class one with someone I will have a better idea of what it entails when I take my chicken self to the class at my gym next time.

There's also a gym that I go to down the street from where I live that would be convenient to go "back" to for a class opposed to a 25 minute drive back to the gym I go to regularly now. It's still about making the commitment.

So here is to you and here is to ME ---- for learning how to embrace imperfection and making the best of it. It may be a bumpy ride but we're figuring it out.

Round 5,367

You know what the great thing about being a human being is? We're fallible. We make mistakes. We are not perfect. We struggle.

I feel like I'm a little hampster on a wheel - spinning round and round. I say the same things over and over, I want to make the same commitments over and over... yet when I fail in the least bit I get discouraged and throw in the towel completely. It's that whole "I just ate a meal of stuff I 'SHOULDN'T' so I'm going to scrap the rest of the day because I've already messed up" mind set. In truth it should be, "I didn't make the best choices, but that doesn't mean I have to continue to make bad choices" mentality.

My friend Phil mentioned to me the other day that when he met me in October I seemed happier. Granted, I met him at a weekend long camp out where I was ECSTATIC to be there and then I the next weekend I had not one but TWO 311 concerts to go to... it was an exciting point in my life. It still made me stop and think - what's different now from then?

I was eating well, I was working out and even though I had stalled out as far as my weight loss was going (yep, still yo-yoing the same freakin 5 lbs) I was motivated.

Around December I think there was a large part of me that was disappointed in myself that I hadn't met my goal a year later. I still deserve a freakin' pat on the back though for losing and keeping off 25 lbs consistently for a year, but I was burnt out and more than anything else I was disheartened.

Why can't I be more committed to this? I have ALL of the tools that I need, but I struggle, struggle, struggle.

Weight loss and a lifestyle change is no joke. It makes it even more complicated when you're a compulsive overeater/binge eater.

I know I've brushed over this topic before. I know people who don't suffer from it don't understand it - they look at you and say that you no will power; they say that you're lazy; they judge you.

Compulsive overeating is an eating disorder. Compulsive overeating is an ADDICTION. There I said it. I put it out there.

The difference between me and an alcoholic? Not much except for the fact that an alcoholic or a drug addict can make the CHOICE to stay away from alcohol for drugs. I HAVE to eat to live. Pretty effed up, huh?

I'm not looking to make excuses about "oh I have a disorder or I'm addicted to food" so that's why I'm overweight. It can't be something constantly blamed and used as a crutch. "Oh, it's okay to over eat because I have a problem. It's okay to not deal with my emotions because I'll just stuff them down. Literally."

Again, I have the tools to combat the issues, but it's realizing that I am human and I am not perfect and that no one else has a right to judge me about my decisions that I need to be okay with.

I also need to remember (as I've said over and over and over and over *insert hampster wheel HERE*) that until I REACH my goal, I cannot act like I am in maintainance mode. There are sacrifices I need to make, but I have had good practice maintaining.

I think it's time to sit down and REALISTICALLY assess what it is that I can do for myself. Things I need to do for myself. Things I NEED to make time for because those are committments. Those are things that get shit done. That is what makes a difference in both my HEALTH AND my HAPPINESS.

You know what's really great? Just when I'm wanting to kick start myself a challenge like this comes along from Jen over at Prior Fat Girl. So excited!

CHA-CHA-CHA-CHANGES!

Personally I don't believe in New Year's resolutions. Mostly because mine never come to fruition so I just gave up on them many moons ago, but I do believe in reassessing and writing down goals. Last year I had a whole list of goals. I did not accomplish all of those goals, but the ones I did I'm really excited about. If nothing else it was a great exercise about setting out intentions and about being specific with them (although in my case this year my lack of being specific worked out brilliantly!).

I will admit that the holidays were a wash. As much as I had managed to motivate myself it deteriorated and was side swiped by foods that I wanted to eat and I'll admit that on my 10 days off of work over the holidays there was A LOT of alcohol consumed.... and NO gym.

So here are some things that I am working on... they are GOALS, not resolutions.

I stepped on the scale Tuesday morning and it read 188 (let me tell you how HORRIFIED I was to see that I had gained almost 10 lbs!). Granted, TOM is supposed to be here any minute, but still. EEK! Time to get my butt in gear!

THIS YEAR I WILL LOSE AT LEAST 40 lbs. That would have me sitting at about 145. I can ammend from there as I don't really know how I will look at this weight because I don't ever remember being at that weight, at least not in my adult life.

I am refocusing mostly on my eating. I was doing South Beach which I like because as long as it's on plan I can essentially eat however much I want, but part of healthy eating is not OVER eating.

For the next month and a half I am not consuming any alcohol. I want to see how it affects my weight loss efforts and it will save money as well.

I am currently taking a month off from my trainer for financial purposes. Working for the state I only get paid monthly and there are 6 weeks between pay checks in December and the end of January. I am not forcing myself to go to the gym 5 days a week but that is the overall goal. 3 at the minimum.

I will go from there. Basically I'm trying to get back on track without causing myself to get burnt out or overwhelemd.

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One of my a-ha moments for this week was that I realized I am not eating enough during the day. By the time I get home (work out or no work out) I am ready to eat the whole house. After a work out I'm thinking about eating the house and my cats.

My biggest meal has ALWAYS been dinner. I have to start eating breakfast and incorporating more snacks into my diet. At the peak of my weight loss I was eating every few hours. Breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, snack. I definitely need to add more protein into my daily diet as well.

I know I have been going back and forth for so long about whether or not I want to count calories. I did WW before and was successful while I kept up with it. I just don't like the monotony of weighing, measuring and calculating. However, we ALL know that the simple equation is CALORIES IN VS. CALORIES OUT. DUH!

I have started posting on 3FC again. That's a HUGE part of my success and accountability, but I do know that I miss the accountability of seeing my therapist. I am currently considering Weight Watchers meetings. I've heard varying opinions on those. Any thoughts?

So yeah -- BACK ON TRACK. I don't want to spend another summer fat and this girl def doesn't wanna be buried in her fat pants!!!

.+*LATER NEVER EXISTS*+.

Mini - Update

I just got home from the gym. After work I went to the gym. Hopped on the arctrainer (my Bff) FOR 20 minutes before I met with my trainer. I forgot my super awesome Polar FT4 at home today in my rush to get out of the house, but the machine said I burnt roughly 250 calories. Then I went and met with my trainer. We didn't do anything crazy (meaning she actually didn't make me do 324803248 lunges or jump lunges which I HATE), but we took our time and she didn't have an appointment after me so we actually worked out for about an hour. We did a lot of squats and some weird leg lift thingies and a lot of upper body work and abs...

Right now I feel FANTASTIC. I feel like I have a handle on things again. I feel like I'm back in the game.

I hope this feeling lasts.

Also, my mom made my favorite soup for dinner. I think she might be psychic, I'd been thinking about it for a few days.

Life is good. I CAN DO THIS!

What's Different?

I have been reflecting on the past year as next Tuesday will mark my one year anniversary of my "lifestyle change." I've done some amazing things that have impressed myself. I have fallen many times and I look back on those things with guilt, but at the end of the day I know I deserve a pat on the back because no matter how much I've struggled, I have overcome and continue to try. I couldn't say that a year ago, much less two or three years ago.

Am I where I want to be? Not hardly, but I have learned a great deal about my emotions, eating better, working out and that I am capable of doing things I never thought I could.

I have been racking my brain to see what is different about where I am on my journey right now and where I was one year ago. A lot of things have changed. A lot of things aren't where I want them to be... so, I ask myself, WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

A year ago I KNEW that if I didn't get a handle on my emotions that emotional eating would continue to take over my life as it has for the majority of it. I knew I would continue gaining weight and that I would continue to be obese for the rest of my life. Essentially, I would end up like my father. My father strugles with heart disease (that runs in my family) and is a borderline diabetic.

I KNEW that I had a serious sugar addiction which caused my binges. I KNEW that I wanted that to stop.

I had a fire somewhere within me. I KNEW that it was important to start therapy. In fact, I remember when I intially emailed the therapist I was thinking about going to see that I told her "I'm ready to grab this by the horns..."

Where'd the horn grabbing motivation go?

Yesterday, after a great convo with the man that is ALWAYS in my corner (my friend Matt), I realized where the motivation went...

I haven't been LOSING any weight since July. That kind of takes the fizz out of your soda when you stop seeing the scale move yet you're going through the motions. It makes you tired. It makes you want to give up because you're doing SOME of the work, but not seeing any results.

So what is my stumbling block, again, what's DIFFERENT?

I haven't been planning my meals. It used to be on Saturdays I would get up, go the gym, peruse some recipes online and figure out something to cook on Sunday for the week. Typically I would fix one big meal (as I was cooking for myself the majority of the time) that would be lunch/dinner until at least Wednesday. Sometimes I would also cook a smaller meal to change it up because eating the SAME thing for 3-4 days KILLS me.

I haven't been eating breakfast. I know this may be a shocker to some of you... I've NEVER been a breakfast person. In fact, I don't like getting up any earlier than I have to. This morning I woke up at 6:10. Took a shower and was out the door by 6:35. I'm not hungry in the morning. If I eat too early I have to choke my food down and it makes me feel icky. I used to eat breakfast AT WORK between 9-10. Then I would be hungry again around 12-1 and I would eat lunch. I KNOW how much of a difference this makes with jump starting your metabolism because if I don't eat anything in the morning I can easily go until late in the afternoon before I eat lunch.

I haven't been tracking my meals. When I did WW I wrote everything down religiously. I KNOW that it makes a HUGE difference in what you eat when you write everything down. Even if you aren't tracking calories or points, there are some things you think twice about eating because do you REALLY want to write them down?!

Something else that really hit me hard in my convo with Matt was this...

"Stop being scared of your own abilities and just let go."

HOLY SHIT! He hit the NAIL ON THE HEAD.

As someone with OCD and a perfectionism complex combined with a procrastination complex I often find that there are things I really want to accomplish, but I don't do them because I am too afraid of my own failure. If I look back on the past year I have had a lot of what I would consider "failures," BUT I'M STILL HERE. I'M STILL OVERCOMING, I'M STILL WANTING TO STICK WITH IT. I just need to get my head out of my ass and START DOING IT AGAIN.

What's the famous quote?

"The only real failure in life is the failure to try.”

I keep saying "oh man, I'm not in therapy anymore, I'm so bummed." The truth of the matter is that I was given ALL of the tools that I need to learn to deal with my emotions, I have a great support group and I have all of the resources in the world to manage my compulsive over eating/binging. There's really no room for EXCUSES....

LATER NEVER EXISTS, right?

Again, Genius Friend moment brought up that I can't do HALF of the work during the week, play ridiculously hard on the weekend and expect to see results. You have to do ALL of the work during the week and if you play hard on the weekend that means you will MAINTAIN. I think I've proven to myself that I can do that, now it's time to prove to myself that I can get the rest of this weight off.

And my own light bulb moment that went off again - WHY AM I SO AFRIAD OF GETTING OFF THIS WEIGHT? WHAT AM I AFRAID TO SHOW PEOPLE, rather than hiding behind the "fat girl facade" so that I can make excuses for people not being interested in me or not wanting them to get close to me. That's all of my own bullshit. I have a great personality, I'm a VERY cute girl... people like me or they don't like me and losing weight isn't going to magically fix any of life's problems. In fact, it may create some more that I haven't experienced before.

I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE because I feel like for the past few months all this "blog" has been is me bitching about what I need to do and how things aren't going to the way I want them to and this is what I'm "GOING" to do, but none of that has happened.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing consistantly and expecting a different result every time... apparently I have been IN-FUCKING-SANE for the past 6 months. (Come on, I had a good laugh at that, you should too).

I tend to get overwhelmed making big plans for myself... I look at the list (like I made during my last post) and think "oh man, that's SO much to change." For now I know that I WILL START PLANNING MY MEALS again and that I WILL START WRITING DOWN WHAT I'M EATING. Of course, I'll be at the gym, but for right now I can't promise you 5 days a week. I just know that as Jen over at Prior Fat Girl says...

I will take it

"ONE BITE AT A TIME. ONE STEP AT A TIME."

UH WTF....

I'm not really sure what happened yesterday, but my eating started to go downhill an then it just snowballed from there.

I will admit, I have not been well prepared with my meals lately. Especially since it's the end of the month - this month has had 5 weeks in it - and because I live the life of a rockstar (i.e. acting like an idiot and not saving money the way I should) I am ALWAYS beyond broke by the end of the month (which is another thing I really need to work on).

I rarely eat breakfast which is another big problem I know I need to fix. I'm never hungry in the morning, but in order to get my metabolism going I HAVE to start eating something in the morning.

Yesterday I ate:

a pack of cheese crackers
an apple with sunflower butter (simliar to PB)
a lean cuisine lasagna meal
1/2 of a protein bar
some potato chips when I got home
almost a whole package of saltine crackers
thai soup w. pork and noodles for dinner
a peppermint stick
then I woke up in the middle of the night and ate MORE potato chips and 2 more peppermint sticks
Oh yeah, I also had a piece of caramel/white chocolate dipped apple that my mom made

Now, I probably would have been okay had I not gone downhill with the chips, crackers and candy.

I was ready to eat my arm off due to my workout, but I was just out of control.

TOM is here so that certainly didn't help, but I KNEW what I was doing and just couldn't stop. Now I feel like crap emotionally and physically.

UGH. Fuck compulsive eating.

I wanted to post this just so I could put it out there. It happens and I know that it's over and done with and I can't change it now so I shouldn't beat myself up, but I have all of these plans for what I WILL be changing and I feel like I keep standing in my own way.

RAHHHHHH. /rant

Pick up the phone....

I put a call out to some of my accountability partners. I emailed them part of my post from yesterday saying what I WILL be doing to get back on track and how I will be continuing to work on this journey.

Another one of my friends had basically outlined what she will be doing between now and Christmas. Can you believe it's only 8 weeks away? HOLY COW! Also, December 14th is the one year anniversary of my starting my lifestyle change. It will be interesting to do a reflection post about how my life and health has changed since that time. All I can do is give myself a big pat on the back for sticking with it. Even though I've had my ups and downs, my really on point days and my really off days/weeks. I'm still standing and if I get knocked down, I'm still getting up. Even if I have to crawl a little. Even if I need a helping hand.

Now, I am NOT looking forward to the food fest known as Christmas time where I work. It seems to be inundated with candy, treats, and more candy and treats. I've said it before, I'll say it again -- teachers like to eat and I have never seen a group of people eat more food in my life. I DO remember however, that I made it through Christmas at work last year. I mean, who decides to start a diet/lifestyle change AT CHRISTMAS? My crazy ass. I know I can get through it. I just need to keep my eye on the light at the end of the tunnel.

With all of that being said here is my plan for the next 8 weeks. It also includes my planned diversions.... notice - PLANNED.

Here we go:

I am planning on ONE off plan meal this weekend which will be Sunday night at the Vortex. I am planning on going to the gym both Friday afternoon AND Saturday morning, mind you, that will be 5 days for this week, but I wasn't planning on Saturday originally. I may also try to extend some of my workouts to an hour or so vs. 45 minutes to add in a little extra.

Next week (11/1-11/7) I will be on plan the entire week, and make up for the extra drinking I will be doing at the wedding on 11/06 by going to the gym (again on Saturday for a total of 6 days). I will try to make the best choices possible as they are serving heavy hors doeuvres.

The following week (11/8-11/14) I will be on plan the entire week. I will try to extend my gym time as the next weekend is my birthday. I will eat, drink and be merry on my birthday weekend. I will not beat myself up about this. Monday morning I am back OP 110%.

The week and a half of (11/15-11/24) I will be on plan the entire week. I will go to the gym my regular 5 days and try to fit in some extended time if possible. I will eat, drink and be merry on Thanksgiving. I don't actually think the day itself will be that bad. It is with my immediate family only and we are doing all of our favorite foods and seafood this year. Then again, there's my mom's sweet potato pie that I will fight someone over. :)

11/25-12/25 I will continue to be on plan with my plan. :) Christmas I will allow myself to eat, drink and be merry. I can make up for the difference that week with an extra day at the gym or extended time AT the gym.

Then we have new years where I will probably go to the gym an extra day to make up for drinking ON NYE.

So yeah.... when you break it down like you did it doesn't sound that bad. :)